urbs
I really miss living in L.A. We had a press release come in last week about a company moving its headquarters from Westwood to Century City. Insignificant news, really. But after reading that, I couldn’t help but get a rush of nostalgia (happens to me a lot). I lived and breathed Westwood for so long, and even worked for a few months in Century.
I was telling Jaymie a few weeks ago that even though I’m employed full-time and finally out of school, I don’t feel like an adult; I don’t feel independent; There’s this certain unquantifiable feeling I know but currently lack — and it has nothing to do with age or maturity. Even when I worked non-paying ‘jobs’ like my position at DB, I would come home with a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction, even though I was still a student. I know it’s a vague notion I’m getting at, but bear with me. It’s as if my day is a long draw of breath, and getting home at night is that sigh of relief. It’s the rush of endorphins you get after a nice workout. It’s feeling like you can give yourself a pat on the back for doing something worthwhile, even if takes you all day and leaves you little free time.
I don’t know if I should attribute that elusive sense of satisfaction to the type of work that I was doing in those various positions. Probably not, considering that even though journalism and writing crap content I couldn’t care less about are pretty disparate pursuits, in both cases I felt pretty satisfied once all was said and done. Though I can say without pause that my feelings during the actual respective work differed quite drastically.
I came to the conclusion that my environment had something, maybe everything, to do with it, whether it was living on my own (not forgetting my roommates of course), or just being in the city. Strange proposition perhaps, for someone who isn’t the most social or extroverted person in the world. But there’s nothing wrong with wanting more options at your disposal. People, restaurants, entertainment… they’re all closer to home, more concentrated, more plentiful. Even if it is Los Angeles sprawl. But I don’t think this is it either.
I was driving home one night last week down Western before I began this entry and a thought hit me. I feel as if part of what motivates my desire to be in the city is want of a sense of importance. There is a strangely lethargic atmosphere that goes along with going about your business in the suburbs, even if it is a major one like El Segundo (I still love you for employing me, twice) or the South Bay as a whole. How different would I feel if instead of driving down Western, I were on a train back home after a long day’s work in NYC? This little thought experiment was what made me realize that what I want is feeling like I’m part of something more significant. Some might have a contention with this statement over what significance comprises, but few can deny that there’s a certain appeal to being part of a community that has a great deal of impact on worldly affairs, whether it be political, economic, or cultural.
Perhaps the description applies more to NY than it does to LA. Or it definitely does. Either way, it’s bad. Jk. Either way, I’d like to be in a place where more is happening. Even if I stupidly don’t take advantage of it.
And it looks like a write up on LA would be the natural follow up to this… Excuse the horrible entry. I’ve been having a lot of trouble expressing myself lately.
In sum, I guess what makes this feeling so troubling is the knowledge that if I didn’t have school in my plans for the future, this would really be it: My career, my life, everything. It’s a bit disturbing to think that upon finishing school I’m feeling like more of a lost kid than I did as a student… and that if this were really it, all I would have to look forward to every day is this sense of lacking and stagnation.