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Based on a book by P.D. James, Children of Men seemed to show a lot of promise when I first saw the trailer last year. The film’s concept was absolutely compelling: the human race suddenly faces a devastating plague of infertility. While we currently face a problem of overpopulation, this dystopian setting put forth in the film throws its characters into a situation marked by the exact opposite concern. As the world finds out that the youngest person has died, a violent and crumbling society spirals down further into chaos as the world’s inhabitants lose hope for the future, facing the imminent extinction of the human race.

Anything worth watching about the movie we already find out about in the trailer. I already sense the argument that will be used against me: Don’t watch trailers, idiot. Well, you’d be wrong in this case, as everything revealed in the trailer we see not half an hour into the movie. That’s right. Humans are infertile, the youngest person dies, there’s rampant violence, and our heroes discover a sole pregnant woman, whom they must deliver to safety (why? who the hell knows.) Oh yeah, because she’s a “fugee” and the dictatorial British government of the future (V, anyone?) wouldn’t acknowledge a fugee birth! I’m sure politics would be the first thing on the mind of the lone standing edifice of a crumbling civilization, which would find its salvation in ANY birth. Does Cuaron have a vendetta against the Angle-West?

Specific issues like this aside, the primary blunder/misstep/mistake/failure of the movie is that it has nothing novel to offer aside from the basic premise we are presented at the beginning of the film. Rather than exploring the themes and social issues it so poignantly starts to develop, it tosses them all away in favor of an extremely drawn-out action sequence. Yes, ladies and germs, this movie is 10% innovation and 90% explosions. I love Clive Owen and appreciate his talent. I admit the acting was actually superb — Chiwetel Ejiofor was wonderful as always, and Jaymie actually enjoyed Julianne Moore this time. Not to mention Michael Caine’s performance — but the film’s script did not do these actors justice. But back to the point. I would’ve loved to have seen more social dynamics develop, rather than the in-your-face, obvious ‘people become treacherous and violent.’

What was the point of the human project? What exactly were Theo and Julian fighting against? What caused global sterilization? How will a lone baby change, save, or impact the world? As the credits started to roll, I was left scratching my head, wondering what the point of the movie was. I heard children laughing. I was forced to assume that it was about the importance of children in our lives, due to this audio track, along with the temporal proximity of a certain scene in which a playground is shown, revealing the depressing fact that the locale had not heard the sound of children’s laughter in nearly two decades. This, along with the rest of the film, is a glaring non sequitur.

The issues raised in the beginning of the film, which we would assume to be certain critiques on modern society, fail to have any relevance at the film’s end. This leads me to believe that any deep ideas that Cuaron might seem to convey are a mere accident. It’s my sincere belief that the trailer, and the first half hour of the movie, was the bait. The rest is Alfonso Cuaron’s political commentary on the purported authoritarian tyranny perpetrated against immigration, he himself being a Mexican. I have no qualms about expressing my dislike of Cuaron, but I didn’t even know he did this movie until the credits started rolling. But believe me, I was perplexed long before the conclusion, at which point I was just thought, “that’s it?” I’m waiting for just one iota of an even slightly profound revelation, and the movie. just. ends.

I waited a few days to write this, as I empathize with Travis in thinking that I needed a few days to mull it over and let it marinate to know what I really think of it. It turns out there’s not much to think about. I tried hard to extract something meaningful out of the film, but it was a practice in futility. It basically uses the interesting premise as a the catalyst for a mediocre action movie.

Here’s the real kicker: While Britain is the last bastion of human civilization (LOL Stormwind!), the opening of the film makes a reference to a 1,000-day siege of Seattle. Go Seattleites! This also raises a few questions, though: Is Seattle the only other place left standing? Who’s sieging it? How do you even siege a place surrounded by water and mountains? HAS THE SEA LEVEL RISEN?! All I know is that if this vision of the future is true, it’s just another justification for me to go live in the emerald city.