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The week following commencement, I went with my parents and my grandma to Sedona, Ariz., to experience its famed vortices. For those who do believe in life energy, chakra, chi, ki, gi, or what you will, it’s a point on the Earth where this flow of energy is exceptionally strong. After a 20-minute trek up to what I think is called the Bell Rock, I sat down with my dad, and we meditated while sitting on the baking hot stone. I wasn’t entirely sure if I was doing it right or even of what I was supposed to strive to accomplish. But I sat there, trying to block out everything around me, especially with all the old Korean ladies talking really loud and gossiping. What a place to do it huh? Then for an infinitesimal instant, I heard nothing but the wind, and saw nothing, but darkness. And a flash of yellow.

It was tranquilizing and serene. Later I asked what proper meditation was supposed to feel like. My dad told me that if I tried meditating enough, I would be able to experience prolonged periods of sensory deprivation, and much to my surprise, I was told I’d be seeing yellow, not black as you would expect from just closing your eyes and trying to shut things out. I got really excited at this point, having felt it even for just a split second.

Sad to say, I haven’t tried it since.

A couple of weeks later however, I had a dream. I was sitting in a car and I couldn’t get it to start. I looked out my window and saw that all the other cars around me weren’t starting and were beginning to go haywire, bucking back and forth and short circuiting. The first thought that came to my dream counterpart’s head was that there was an EMP. Assuming the worst, I thought to myself that a nuclear bomb either went off or was about to somewhere nearby. I saw a flash in the distance and I felt an incredible sense of sadness for everything I wasn’t able to do in my life. Moreso than that, I was sad because I was alone in the last minutes of my trivial existence. So as quickly as I could, sitting alone in that car, I said goodbye and I love you out loud to my parents and to Jaymie, which must have had somewhat of a cathartic effect, because I didn’t feel as desperate or as forlorn as I did before. Then as the blast overtook me and all my surroundings, everything faded slowly, all sounds around me faded, and I saw nothing but darkness. And yellow.

It was the first time I didn’t wake up right before death in a dream. I just kept on going, dreaming that I was gone from this world. I wasn’t even angry about it. I was oddly accepting of my fate. I felt the way I did after I watched The Fountain (also lots of black and yellow/gold). Not surprisingly, I thought about this dream for days and even weeks afterward.

Buddhism is about detaching yourself from the physical and the worldly in order to minimize and most idealistically to eliminate suffering. It’s not about robes or monks or ritual. Maybe - I’m hoping - its meditative practices are a glimpse into what human existence is like when our short physical stint on Earth is over. It’s peace, tranquility, serenity, and just maybe, an all-enveloping flash of yellow. Warmth in the darkness.

This post is dedicated to grandfathers.

What if I applied to Canadian law schools? Vancouver, you’re so close to my darling Seattle…

I appreciate that people are still following tennis, and that it is attracting new fans, and Federer is indeed a treat to watch, but it really agitates me when people devalue the tennis of previous eras, thinking that the homogeneous modern era is the greatest of them all.

All too often I see people putting down Pete Sampras, arguably the greatest to ever play the game, even posting threads like “What did Sampras do better than Federer (besides the serve)?” They even contend that Sampras was a loser who only survived because he was in the era he was and that he had no ground game. Pistol Pete was in fact a very capable baseliner. It just really pisses me off when these tennis newbies, who have never even see Sampras play live - probably just some clips off of youtube - and they claim to know everything about the man. And it’s so easy to identify people by their opinions on the TW forums. If a kid talks about how boring or one-dimensional Sampras or Agassi is, he’s no doubt no older than 15. Modern tennis isn’t everything.

Face the facts. Nadal-Federer finals are boring. Federer is only dominant because he has no one to challenge him. He has no legitimate contenders. Today’s top 10 is laughable. They’re an inconsistent heap of players who are far below the top 2. Just watch highlights from a decade ago to highlights now. Older highlights are about tactics and strategy and working your opponent with a purpose. New highlights are almost always about “impossible” chance shots. That’s great, but it just shows how vacuous the game has become.

All the depth has been taken away from the game, and it’s the ATP’s fault. Heavier balls, slower surfaces, all for the sake of making the game more watchable? Except they never show tennis on TV and all this is doing is making the game homogeneous and the players more prone to injury. Endless rallies aren’t always about point construction. More often than not, it’s about the inability to close out the point.

And yes, rallies are interesting. But every point of a 5-set match should not be a 30-shot rally. And all matchups should not be between two baseliners. Anyone see Roddick vs. Gonzales last year at the US Open? Dear Lord. It was like two cavemen just seeing who could pound the ball harder. Talk about compensation.. Take a lesson from Federer, guys. He doesn’t need to smack the shit out of the ball to beat you.

No fucking respect for the greats of the past like Laver, Borg, Edberg, etc. Tennis is interesting because of its variety of play styles. I now bow my head in lamentation as serve-and-volley’s death knell resounds.

I was devastated when I didn’t get into CAMS. I remember receiving my letter in the mail later than everyone else. There was a letter code on the envelope that corresponded to admissions decisions and I knew even before I opened it that I had been rejected. I even cried.

Rewind to a few months before when I showed up to the Cal State Dominguez Hills campus dressed in a snappy suit, ready for the interview that would make or break me. At that point I was pretty convinced that I wanted to be a lawyer, specifically one who specialized in environmental law. I don’t think the people at CAMS took too well to my life goals. I guess they were only looking for people who wanted to be scientists and engineers.

I don’t blame them. I then unenthusiastically went to my interview at Bishop, knowing that my performance didn’t matter, as it was widely known to be a formality. And surprise, it turns out that I scored in the 99th percentile on my admissions test and got into all the honors classes. Cool. Maybe I would be happy here? I later switched to wanting to be a doctor, something that might’ve garnered me an acceptance letter to CAMS had I possessed it a few years prior. And I carried this through to my first year of college - until I realized that I had never been all that great at math or science. So much for being Asian, right? Science had always been one of my favorite subjects. But I wasn’t particularly good at it. I only got a 2 on AP physics, while I got a 5 on AP language. Naturally, it made me wonder whether I had wasted my opportunities.

Now I’ve come full circle - having a goal similar to the one I held when I first nervously approached that heartbreaking interview.

Apart from a few obvious, major, academic regrets, I don’t have any qualms about the route that I ended up taking. Bishop is where I grew, it’s where I formed a big chunk of my identity, it’s where I met my love, and it’s where my allegiances will lie, always.

I wonder if I’ll feel the same way about UCLA four years from now. As the setting for the most turbulent period of my life, it’s impossible to divorce my experience from this school. I love it and I hate it, but its mark will remain with me, whether for better or for worse. I wonder if I could’ve reached this same point in my development through a more streamlined process - taking philosophy from the start, carrying my career goals through until now without the medical detour. Probably not. Which is why I’m not hitting myself on the head too hard.

The real world lies ahead, dire and despondent in its overcast splendor (am I just talking about Seattle now? maybe, if not for the direness and despondency), but paradoxically full of optimism for us silly humans. C’est la vie.

Sometimes I lose sight of my passions, and this is when I’m happy that I have a blog. Here I am, slacking at work, reading through my old posts, some of them written with such conviction and intensity.

When I made the choice to go to law school, I wanted to go into one of two fields: environmental law or public service criminal law, i.e. prosecution or public defense. These are two very low-paying fields, but I don’t think I’d be happier anywhere else. (Tangent: If nothing else, I would’ve liked to have high grades to even get into a lower-ranked school as long as I got a scholarship, so I could take one of these public service jobs without debt). As I read over my apologetic rants on anthropogenic climate change, I gain back some perspective - if I can do that for anyone who happens upon this site, then my insignifcant mark on the internet is good for something other than my purgative ambitions. Tied down by work and classes this entire summer, I easily forgot the things I was ardent about. I’ve pissed away the diminutive free time I did have, excusing my ill-advised actions by telling myself I deserved the r&r. It’s time for a major change. I now have to put my ambitions and aspirations into overdrive, and make that final sprint to make something of my passions; I need to stop postponing my life the way I’m procrastinating with my philosophy paper at the moment.

With this reinvigorated perspective, the time has come for me to embrace diligence and enterprise. Finally.

A deep sense of regret always floods my mind after I drink - especially when I told myself I wouldn’t until after I was done with the LSAT. I probably sound like an alcoholic now, but I assure you that’s not the case. I don’t drink often, but when I do, it’s crazy. As I made a passing reference to in my last post, I literally just down drink after drink to the point where other people would be vomiting their intestines out. This is not a good thing.

In any case, there has to be a physical consequence and I’m thoroughly convinced that I’ve picked up some major cognitive deficits over the years. (I always have trouble speaking in the days following). In short I’ve probably jeopardized a few points of my LSAT score - little details matter on those questions, and so does each point. I mean, even someone with a high GPA needs a high test score to get admitted. I’ve seriously been at the point where even getting a 180 wouldn’t guarantee me admission into any school, but I haven’t been trying as hard as I should to make that score. I lose.

And in closing, to end on a note that doesn’t make me look like a depressing alcoholic, someone start a workout regimen with me. This includes cardio, weights, just overall conditioning and some (read: a lot of) tennis.

My head hurts so bad. I really need to learn to stop before I get to the point where I’m chasing whiskey with wine and wine with beer and beer with whiskey and whiskey with wine… etc. Makes me wish I were a light weight.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=pDsGn5_nxZA

What are you thinking, Maria?

YOU CANNOT OUT-VOLLEY THE MAC.

I really wish I could just sit down and focus fully on LSAT prep… stupid commitments!

I also wish I had a PS6.0 85, a POG OS, and an Agassi Limited Edition Radical - not necessarily in that order of preference.

I wish employers would respond to me. Up to this point, I’ve been pretty excited about moving to New Jersey (no funnies about jersey. i live in north jersey which is part of the ny metro), but of the 5 billion resumes I’ve submitted thus far, I’ve received a whopping ZERO replies. How realistic is it that I’ll actually get a job there? Maybe it’s just too early.. please let that be the case…

Finally, I wish I were at least trilingual and while we’re wishing, also that I were a few inches taller…

I’m ashamed to say it took this long, but I finally subscribed to KCRW, even though I won’t be here for an entire year. I felt like I was put on the spot to choose a ‘premium’ - hoodie, messenger bag, cd 4-pack - but I decided to trust Nic Harcourt and get the eclectic 4 pack he put together. In addition, I get a reissue of Nick Drake’s Pink Moon. Pretty tight. Please help support this awesome station. It’s one of the things I’ll miss most when I move. At least they broadcast on the internet too…